So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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