i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
