everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
