Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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