tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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