I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
