Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
