ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
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