Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
