Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize