If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
