What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
