Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
