I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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