Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
