I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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