I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
