checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
