What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
