The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
