I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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