How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
