This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
