A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
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