im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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