The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
