You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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