he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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