If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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