My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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