she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
