I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
