somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
