I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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