You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
