if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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