I wish I could teleport
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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