We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
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She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
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What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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