Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
