Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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