we're chasing vodka with high fives
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
