i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
