It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
