i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
