My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
