Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
