Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
