youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
So vagazzling was a success
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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