great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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