we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
