If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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