Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
