please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
