Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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