it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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