He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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